Those Darn Feelings
by SillyOldBear94
Summary: Set during Skin Deep, Rumpelstiltskin muses over what happened when he caught Belle from falling.


Rumplestiltskin stormed into his chambers and slammed the doors hard behind him. He felt the desire to smash every piece of furniture in the room, however he shoved the need away and leaned against a wardrobe, breathing heavily.

He had been able to keep his composure as he walked from the room, leaving Belle alone with the torn curtains. She had fallen. And he had _reacted_. She could have hurt herself, had he not been watching her. Why had he felt the need to watch her so closely? Why was he glad that he had been there? He was so very confused and annoyed at himself.

Because Rumplestiltskin was dealing with _feelings_.

And he had not been forced to deal with his own for a long time.

He had watched with glee as peasants and royalty alike allowed their emotions to govern their choices. Saw how their rash and silly decisions destroyed lives, started wars, and brought down entire kingdoms. How he had laughed at them. He was too smart, and too clever to allow his emotions to govern him. He was the Dark One. He would be brought down by nothing and no one. He had thought he had locked his feelings away so tightly that they would never see the light of day again. Well apparently he had neglected to lock them away tight enough, because someone had found the key.

Belle. The girl whom he was supposed to think nothing of, simply another presence in his home, was invoking _feelings_. He thought back to moments ago, when she had fallen.

She was soft, and so very warm in his arms. He could have held her for hours and been content with nothing more. He had reveled in the sensation of having her so close to him, closer than any person had been in years. He already had her face and mannerisms imprinted in his head. The way her smile took over her whole face, how easily she laughed at his quips, and the way she bit her lip in such a way that it made his heart (and other parts) tremble. He had always wondered what she felt like. A small part of him was afraid to touch her in fear that she was only his imagination, and there never was a deal in which a brave girl chose to live with a monster.

He had told her that the reason he spun so much was to make himself forget. Yet the feeling of holding her appeared to work so much better. Suddenly there was only them. Only himself and Belle.

There was no Regina, with her knowing smirks, sharp tongue, and outlandish clothing. There were no royals or servants desperate for his help, willing to make any foolish deal he offered. There was never any Cora, never any desire, and embarrassment. There was no Milah, no regrets or sacrifice. There was no poor spinner, no injury, no war, no Bae-

No.

At that thought, Rumplestiltskin flung out his arm and cursed, causing the mirror nearby to smash into pieces. He shook with emotion. This was why feelings were not allowed. They distracted, and side tracked. His emotions towards Belle were clouding his path, ruining the plan he had worked so hard for. This could not be allowed.

"You could have her," a wicked little voice in his head pestered "You could have her now, allow yourself the pleasure, and when the time comes, you could send her away and retrieve your son."

"Shut up" He snapped out loud, willing the voice to be quiet. He knew that he would never take that road.

Because beneath the distraction, beneath the fear that she would prevent him from finding his son, there was something else. There was the knowledge that his feelings meant nothing because she did not feel the same.

How could she? He did not blame her. It was he who was repulsive, the one with the horrid appearance and appalling reputation. How awful it must be to be lusted after by a monster. He could not do that to her. She was so sweet and innocent, and probably would take pity, probably would not say no. She would let herself be harmed for him. He knew it. And so he must never allow this to happen.

Rumplestiltskin told himself that he must never give in to the Feelings. He must try. For his own sake, for his son's, and for _her's_. He must not forget who they really were: nothing more than a beast with large manor and a maid.


End file.
